Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Advice from Johnny Drama

The scene: Vincent "Jack" Chase is sitting in the Oak Room at South Dining Hall, awaiting breakfast from personal chef Johnny "Drama" Affleck-Graves. Also waiting for some eats are Vince's close friends and confidants: an overbearing NDNation poster who goes by the handle of "Turtle", and women's soccer coach Randy "E" Waldrum. Jack takes a sip of coffee.

Turtle: I've never been so f&*kin' embarrassed in my life. I've never seen worse coaching, worse uniform-wearing, worse equipment managing, worse band directing, worse team chaperoning.

E: Well, I only caught a few minutes of the highlights, but I thought the band was pretty good.

Turtle: OK, fine, is that what this f&*kin' program is reduced to? We might as well petition to join Grambling & Southern at the Battle of the Bands.

E: We'd lose.

Vince: So what do you guys think I should do?

E: Well, he really screwed up this time, there's no denying it.

Turtle: This program, this program that you love, I love, we all love...and he's f&*ked it up. Losing to the motherf&*kin' Naval Academy one year, and lame-duck Greg Robinson the next. I want to vomit all over myself.

E: Put a bullet in 'im. Be done with it.

Vince: You know there's no guarantees for you either, hot shot. Haven't seen you hoisting any trophies recently.

Awkward silence.

Turtle: F*&k that. Nobody cares about women's soccer - no offense, E.

E: None taken.

Turtle: Plus you got that nice new stadium coming in so just got sit over in the corner and figure out another way to lose to UC Santa Barbara.

Vince: Hey, uncalled for.

Turtle: Fine, but seriously - put this fat suit out of his misery. Leave the gun, take the cannolis.

More awkward silence. Vince looks over to the chef's table.

Vince: You're awfully quiet, Johnny.

Johnny: I think everybody should just relax, try my eggs florentine, and take a deep breath.

Vince: You think I should keep Charlie, even after all this?

Johnny: Eh, I'm not sure what you should do, bro. But I know you don't make a decision this big based on emotion. And you don't make it 'til you know what's next.

Vince: What do you mean?

Johnny: Well, nobody appreciates their girlfriend until they get herpes from the next broad. Understand what I'm saying?

Vince: No, you guys?

E/Turtle: No.

Johnny: I'm saying, you don't dump your football coach until you've flirted with some other young hotties first. See what other options are out there.

E: That's not a bad idea.

Vince: Eh, I'll meet other coaches after I fire Charlie.

Turtle: I like it, icy cold.

Johnny: I dunno Vin. You might be getting a little ahead of yourself. I mean, let's look carefully at the situation.

Turtle: 2-8, at home on Senior Day. No other situation needs considering.

Vince: He does have a point. E, what'd you do on Senior Day?

E: Beat Seton Hall 6-0. Although does it count if we played seven more home games after that?

Vince: Close enough. Get Charlie on the phone.

Johnny: Hold on 'bro. You sure you wanna go down this road so quickly? This is what happened to the last hot shot like yourself. Thought he had it made coming over from the West Side, saddled up nice and cozy with a cool cat from Palo Alto, then had the rugged pulled out from under 'im and went searching blind for a new main squeeze. Here, try the eggs florentine. Spinach is a great source of iron.

Vince: You really think we shouldn't fire Charlie?

Johnny: Not if all you got is another training wheel candidate who don't know how to please you, bro. Sure, that up-and-comer from the Nasty 'Natti might work out, might not. So could that blonde bombshell from Northwestern. But unless you got a grade-A one-of-a-kinder up your sleeve...it's a risk.

Turtle: So we just suffer through another miserable f&*kin' year of having the band be the most competent unit on the field?

Johnny: Maybe, maybe not. But don't be jumping off the ledge unless your absolutely certain there's a bed of roses waiting for you to land in.

E: Well yeah, but there are no guarantees. So why not just fire somebody who clearly deserves it at this point?

Johnny: Hey, you wanna go searching for another 50-50 proposition, fine by me. For the time being I think that patience may prove to be a virtue.

Turtle: F&*k that.

Everybody eats and stews in silence. End scene.

The (as of this posting) still unofficial news from Fortress Hesburgh concerning the postion of head football coach in 2009 no doubt stirs opinions. What precisely was "Vince" up to, and when was he up to it? Did he got out and flirt a bit before sticking with the hand he'd been dealt? Unlikely to get the firm answers to those questions. Plenty more opinions to follow on this in the days and weeks to come.


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